Bedknobs and Painsticks
by caffinated-chipmunk
Summary: A new Goa'uld launches a full scale attack on Earth and SG1 must save the day yet again


"You _will_ tell me all you know about your world."

"No, I won't."Jack was on his knees in front of a wacky Goa'uld who was trying to suck information out of his head with a Goa'uld hand device. This particular Goa'uld had gone nuts at birth and named himself Zeus. Even Jack knew that Zeus wasn't an Egyptian god.

Zeus pushed more energy into the hand device.

"Ahhh," Jack moaned.

Zeus released him and he fell to the hard stone floor.

Then Jack was back in his own bed.

"Crap, that was a _bad_ dream." An hour later, he went back to sleep. An hour after that he went to work.

--------------------

"Give me a super size coffee, strongest you got," Jack said, leaning against the counter in the commissary.

"Coming right up."

"O'Neill," Teal'c came up behind Jack balancing two trays on one arm and holding a gargantuan coffee mug in the other hand.

"Oh, hey, T."

"You do not look well," Teal'c said placing his coffee mug on one of the trays and picking up a large piece of cheesecake.

"Didn't get much sleep last night."

Teal'c gave him the single eyebrow that everybody in the SG-C recognized as a sign that he knew more than he let on.

"Have any dreams?" Jack asked.

"I do not require sleep. Therefore I am not susceptible to dreams." He added three huge scoops of scrambled eggs to his plate.

"Oh yeah, I knew that." _There's the eyebrow again, I must be pretty damn confusing, _Jack thought. "So T, got any idea about this 411 place that Carter's so psyched about?"

"I do not," he said placing a mixing bowl of fruit salad and cottage cheese on his plate and heading for a table in the corner.

--------------------

"P3X-411. We sent a M.A.L.P through the gate at 0400 this morning," Sam said in the briefing room a few hours later.

_Wow, 'bout the same time I had that really freaky dream, _Jack thought. Out loud he said, "Why so early?"

"Actually, Sir, that's about when I wake up," she said, deadpan.

"You mean you actually sleep?"

"Not every night, Sir."

_Boy does she look like a fox in the hen house._

"It's standard recon. We're just going to be searching for signs of civilization." She turned to Jack. "When do you think we should leave, Sir?"

--------------------

"Chevron seven, locked."

"SG-1, you have a go," General Hammond said through the microphone.

"Ok, that never gets old," Jack said, looking contentedly at the blue wave. "Move out."

SG-1 headed up the noisy steel ramp.

--------------------

"Ya' think this counts as a sign of civilization?" Jack asked.

"Yes, Sir. I think this qualifies," Sam said.

SG-1 was entirely surrounded by Jaffa with lightening bolts stamped on their foreheads.

"I have never seen this marking on a Jaffa," said Teal'c, staring at the First Prime.

"Drop your weapons!" shouted the first prime, whose name was Haran.

"You know," said Jack. "I think we should do as the man says."

The team set their weapons on the ground.

--------------------

"Bring up the M.A.L.P," ordered General Hammond.

SG-1 was late for a scheduled radio contact, and whenever that happened, Hammond worried.

"I can't, Sir," said Sergeant Harriman.

"What do you mean you can't, Sergeant?"

"I mean, I can't get visual."

"Are the sensors online?"

"No, Sir. I think it's safe to say that the M.A.L.P has either been destroyed or severely damaged."

"_I _think we have a problem."

--------------------

"Deja-vu," said Jack, sitting down on a bench in the holding cell.

Teal'c stared at him blankly.

"It means I feel like I've been here before; I've done this before."

"Indeed we have."

Jack gave an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes.

"Whom do you serve?" Teal'c asked the guard at the door.

"Do you not know, Shol'vah? I serve Zeus," said the guard proudly.

"What?!" Jack said, startled.

"Sir?" Sam said.

"Last night I had a dream. I was being tortured by some weirdo named Zeus."

--------------------

General Hammond was in his office typing up a statement that said SG-1 was M.I.A. (just in case they weren't found), when the spectral voice came over the loud speaker.

"UNSCHEDULED OFF-WORLD ACTIVATION!"

Hammond jumped up and ran down the stairs to the control room.

"Receiving I.D.C., Sir. It's the Tok'ra."

"Open the iris."

"Yes, Sir. Opening iris."

Hammond ran down the steps and into the gate room.

"Jacob."

"Hello, George. Where's Sam?"

"She's off-world right now."

"Oh. Well I need to talk to you in your office for a moment."

--------------------

"We've got a new system lord on the loose. He's already very powerful. We think he's insane because he named himself after the Greek god, Zeus."

"Where is he?"

"A place we call Kakona." Jacob walked into the other room, and stared at the star chart. "Here," he said, pointing to P3X-411.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Jacob, that's where SG-1 went yesterday morning."

"Then they're probably captured by now."

"Let's get to work."

--------------------

"YOU!" shouted a Jaffa, who had just come clunking down the hallway.

"Moi? You want moi?" Jack said innocently.

The Jaffa opened the door and grabbed him roughly, shoving him out the door and down the hallway. The door started to close. The Jaffa didn't notice Teal'c roll under the door at the last second.

Teal'c dispatched the two guards at the door and took a staff weapon and two zats from them. He opened the door and tossed the two zats to Sam and Daniel. They pulled the two guards into the prison and closed the door.

"I want you to know," said General Hammond, "that I am not ordering any of you to do this. So all willing to attempt the rescue of SG-1 please take one step..." Everybody in the room stepped forward. "Very good. Now let's move out." Hammond himself led the rescue expedition through the gate.

--------------------

"You _will _tell me what I want to know," said Zeus.

"I didn't last time, and I won't this time," Jack said.

Zeus raised his hand to strike, but at that moment there were sounds of zats and staff weapons firing in the corridor outside. That gave Jack a chance. Zeus looked at the door. In that split second Jack kicked Zeus in the shin, dropping him to the ground. Daniel threw Jack a zat. Jack shot the Goa'uld, stunning him, and left him.

"Why didn't you kill him?" Daniel asked.

"We're going to plant C4, right?"

"Of course."

"Well, it's more fun, and much more impressive, to blow him up."

"Oh,"

They met up with Sam and Teal'c at the end of a hallway.

"Where's Zeus?" Sam asked.

"Asleep," Daniel said holding up his zat.

"Only once?"

Daniel nodded.

"You mean he's not dead?"

"No, it's more fun to blow him up," Jack commented from the back of the party.

Turning a corner, SG-1 ran into a group of Jaffa heading the other way. They had no choice but to surrender. The rattle of a P90 came from around the corner. All of the Jaffa fell down dead. Hammond came around the corner and everybody raised their weapons immediately, and then lowered them.

"General?" said Jack, confused.

"No time to explain, there's C4 throughout the complex."

SG-1 joined the rescue operation and headed for a way out. They reached a hill from the top of which they could see the gate. It was heavily guarded.

"Up and at em' on my mark," General Hammond ordered Jack.

Hand signals passed down the line. Hammond gave sufficient time to let everyone know. He peeked over the crest of the hill, took aim, and fired, taking down one of the guards.

Everybody stood up at once and started running down the hill with Hammond in the lead. The guards went down in just a few seconds, but Hammond could hear more Jaffa coming after them. Reaching the DHD, he crouched behind it for cover and let Daniel dial. Then he ran to the gate and started ushering people through, Hammond on one side and Jack on the other, both shooting the Jaffa coming down the hill. There were still about five people to go when the complex exploded. Hammond and Jack sent the last people through, and then dove through together just before the explosion destroyed the gate.

"You do that a lot?" Hammond asked staring at Jack.

"All the time, Sir," Jack said.

--------------------

"Are we sure this guy isn't related to Apophis or anything?" Jack said later in the briefing room.

He was pissed. They had just received word from the Tok'ra that Zeus wasn't dead after all.

"It turns out Zeus escaped on a mother ship just before the explosion," Jacob said, ignoring Jack's snide remark. "What did you say Jack?"

"I said, are we sure this guy isn't related to Apophis?"

"Not a clue."

"What?"

"I said, not a clue."

"Why not? You guys know everything."

"For one thing, they were born in different solar systems, and for another he killed Apophis, but that could mean anything."

"Oh, well that's not all bad."

Jacob bowed his head for a minute.

"Actually it's very bad," said Selmac.

"Ok, I'm never going to get used to that," Jack said. "And how is it very bad anyway?"

"Because he now has all of Apophis's fleet, plus what's left of his own."

"Ok, that's pretty bad."

Selmac glared at Jack.

"What do you propose to do about it?" Hammond asked.

Jacob again: "We don't know yet. He's a little pissed that you blew up his bedroom. He's probably planning an all out attack on earth."

"Bedroom?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, turns out that that whole complex was his personal quarters."

"Ideas?" asked General Hammond.

"Asgard?" suggested Jack.

"How?" asked Hammond.

"Prometheus?" piped up Sam.

"Jacob?" Hammond inquired.

"What?" asked Jacob.

"How long do we have?" asked Hammond.

"I don't know maybe three weeks, four tops," Jacob told him.

"Major, is that enough?" Hammond asked.

"I don't know, Sir. The hyper-drive is fully operational but it will take several weeks at least to get to the Asgard homeworld."

"Do it. Take Doctor Jackson and Teal'c with you. You can pick the rest of your crew."

"Yes, Sir."

"Jack, you'll be in charge," Hammond said.

"Sweet."

Hammond looked at him sternly.

"I mean, yes, Sir."

--------------------

"They will pay for their insolence." Zeus was mad. They had destroyed his bedchambers, and what's more, they had destroyed them right when he was about to try out some very special, and very expensive, bedclothes.

"Jaffa, bring my war armor."

"Yes, Milord."

Zeus stared out the window at the purple vortex of speed. They'd reach Earth in two weeks.

"I will destroy their world one city at a time," he said, as his first outfitted his master in shiny new war armor. "With my new fleet, I will be the most powerful Goa'uld in the galaxy."

"Milord, you were the most powerful Goa'uld bef-."

"Silence! If I want compliments I will ask for them."

"Yes, Milord."

"Ok, you can compliment me now."

"Yes, Milord."

--------------------

"Sir, we're go for launch," said Sam.

"Ok, let's get this bird in the air," Jack said enthusiastically, watching her push buttons on the Prometheus's control panel.

"Yes, Sir."

"Carter, you don't really think we can reach the Asgard in time, do you?"

"No, Sir, but we have to try."

"Carter, what was the planet with that repository of ancient knowledge?"

"P4C-992, Sir, why?"

"You'll see. Touch down on the nearest planet with a Stargate."

"Sir, Ea-" she said.

"Other than this one."

"I'm sorry, Sir, but why don't you just use Earth's Stargate

"Carter!"

"Yes, Sir."

--------------------

"Ok, Jacob, what do we do now?" George asked after watching the Prometheus depart.

"Now, there's nothing to do but ready your defenses, George."

"Will the Tok'ra send any troops or weapons to help?"

"I'll see if I can get you a few taks."

"Taks?"

"Takunitagaminiturons."

"Taks, got it, and what do they do?"

"It's a heat seeking staff weapon with an extremely fast fire rate. You can plant them at the doors of Cheyenne Mountain. It might significantly deplete his forces by the time they manage to neutralize them."

"Why would they attack from the ground?"

"Well, Zeus is a bit crazy, as I've said, so he thinks he should have fun conquering your planet, and you must understand, there's no fun in blowing something up when you can't even see the mushroom cloud," Selmac said.

"I see. Completely unmanned, right?"

Jacob nodded. "They are completely unmanned."

"Good, we'll need quite a few of those."

"I'll see what I can do."

--------------------

"Sir, we'll reach P3X-499 in a few minutes," Sam said, wondering if she should really tell him.

"Good."

"Sir, may I ask what your plan is?"

"Sure."

There was a pause, Sam looking at him expectantly, and him looking back at her the same way.

"Well, aren't you going to ask?" Jack finally asked.

"Ok, then, what's your plan?"

He leaned over to whisper in her ear. "It's a surprise."

She had to work hard not to laugh. "Dropping out of hyper space," she said.

"Do your floating thing somewhere over the Stargate."

"If you mean hover, yes, Sir."

Jack reached for the intercom. "Daniel and Teal'c. Gear up and get to ring room one." He let go of the button. "Carter, you're with me."

"Yes, Sir."

--------------------

"And why the hell can't we get them a few taks?"

Jacob was trying to get the taks that Hammond needed to defend the base, and it wasn't going well. Half of the high council was all for giving them up, but, the other half was strongly opposed to the idea.

"If we give them the taks, they may very well use them on the other nations of their planet."

"I know them better than any of you. I used to be one. They will not use them on each other."

"We have no way of knowing that."

"We have to start trusting them sometime."

"Why?"

"Because that's what allies do."

"Not when it comes to technology that's way above their heads."

"It's not way above my daughter's head. She pulls apart this kind of stuff for a living."

"I think it comes down to a vote," Said the woman arguing with Jacob "All in favor of giving the Taur'i weapons, please rise."

Exactly half of the Tok'ra high council rose.

At that moment, the leader of the Tok'ra walked in.

"I know the discussion," he said. He walked to the table, and sat down.

"It appears that the vote is not in favor of giving the Taur'i weapons. I am sorry, Jacob."

Jacob walked out of the room, trying not to explode in front of the Tok'ra high council.

--------------------

"Jack, where are we going?" Daniel asked, as Sam and Jack walked into the ring room geared and ready to go.

"He says it's a surprise." Sam answered him before Jack could open his mouth.

"Oh, never mind then."

"O'Neill," Teal'c said, stern as ever. "I do not understand what Daniel Jackson and Major Carter are talking about."

"It's a long story, T," Jack said as he stepped into the middle of the rings.

"Very well."

"Where to, Sir?" Sergeant Harriman inquired.

"Near the gate if you can, Walter."

"Yes, Sir."

Walter made a few calculations on his control panel, and the rings came up from the floor, transporting them down. Suddenly they were all standing around an imprint on the ground.

"Carter, where's the DHD?" Jack asked Sam.

"Let's just say that Walter's getting damn good at those calculations, Sir," she said, smiling.

"Look out!" Jack yelled, diving away from where the DHD was supposed to be.

The others, following suit, dove away just in time to avoid the rings coming down for the second time.

"Ok, that was a little too close," Daniel said, staring at the DHD.

Jack's radio crackled, "Sorry, Sir."

"That's alright, Walter, just remember that _near_ means _close to _not _in place of_."

"Yes, Sir,"

Jack could hear Walter blushing, and with that pleasant thought in his mind he walked to the DHD and started dialing P4C-992. He hit the crystal that opened the gate, walked up the stone steps and stood next to it. He waited for the others.

"This is your captain speaking. We will be arriving at our destination in a few seconds. Please put your seats in their upright and locked position, and watch your step when leaving the plane, thank you."

Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c stepped through the gate, and Jack stepped through after them.

"Jack, why the hell are we here?" Daniel asked.

"I'll show you."

Jack stepped into a circle on the floor, and a R.A.K (Repository of Ancient Knowledge) emerged from the wall. _Good, _Jack thought, _this isn't a one time use thing. _ He walked purposefully over to it and, taking off his hat, stuck his head into the thing.

"Jack!" yelled Daniel.

"Sir!" yelled Sam.

Teal'c didn't say a word. He had been aware of Jack's plan ever since he saw Jack dial this world. Sam and Daniel both jumped forward to try and pull him out.

"Leave him!" Teal'c yelled.

They stopped short. "Teal'c we have to do something!" Sam yelled back.

"Trust in him, Major Carter."

Sam looked at him like this was a bad, bad idea. Teal'c just turned back to Jack and stepped forward to support him when he fell.

--------------------

"The taks aren't going to happen, George," Jacob said to General Hammond later that same evening.

"Why not?"

"The Tok'ra High Council thinks you'll blow yourselves up."

"And I suppose it's not possible to convince them otherwise?"

"I tried, but the high councilor himself says you can't have them."

"Well it appears we have a problem. Is there any way to get them to us anyway?"

"I'm sorry, George, but you're on your own for this one."

"All right. I suppose we can hold out without them until SG-1 returns with the Asgard."

"Good, I'll try and recruit some Tok'ra to come help you out."

"That's not necessary, Jacob. This is our fight, and I don't want to put any Tok'ra lives on the line for our sake."

--------------------

"Jack, what the _hell _did you do that for?"

"Daniel, I thought you'd figure it out like Teal'c did when I dialed the gate - or at least when we actually stepped through it."

Daniel stared at him for a moment as if to say:_ Are you calling me stupid?_

"Alright, we're going to the Asgard home world, right?"

"Yeah."

"So the Asgard can get the stuff out of my head, once it's there, and I can make the ship go faster in the mean time."

"Oh, sorry I asked. I don't understand what you're saying anyway."

"Ok, let's try it this way. With the ancient knowledge in my head, I can make the ship fly faster. Then the Asgard can get this crap out of my head. Now do you understand?"

"Yup."

"Good."

--------------------

Jack was on his way to the engine room so that if he remembered how to make the ship fly faster, he could do it right away.

"Sir!"

Jack looked behind him, but continued walking.

"Hello, Carter."

"With all due respect, Sir, why the _hell_ did you do that?"

Jack rolled his eyes.

"Ask Daniel. It took me fifteen minutes to explain it to him, and I'd rather not go through it again."

"Yes, Sir."

Jack snickered to himself; neither of them knew what was going on. His eyes… glowed.

--------------------

Jack sat on a chair opposite the engine crystals a few days later.

"Carter, give me your Zat."

Sam stepped forward and handed it to him. He popped it open and shot her. Then he whipped around and shot the two guards at the door. Moving to the controls at the side of the door, he closed it before Walter, who was on his way to the other end of the ship, could scramble under. He shot the crystals once, and again, and a third time. They all disappeared.

--------------------

The shipped rumbled and groaned as the hyper drive shut down.

"Why are we stopping?" Daniel asked Teal'c in the middle of teaching him how to play chess.

"I do not know." Teal'c answered.

The door opened and Walter walked in.

"What's going on?" Daniel asked.

"It's Colonel O'Neill. He's got Major Carter and two SF's in the engine room. I think he's destroyed the crystals," Walter said.

"You're kidding, right?"

"I'm afraid not, Sir. I came to tell you that with Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter not present, you're in charge."

"Ok, well, for starters why don't you just open the engine room door?"

"We can't. The crystals are fried. He must have disabled them from the inside."

"I'm sure you can find a blow torch on board."

"Yes, Sir."

--------------------

"GENERAL HAMMOND TO CONTROL ROOM."

Hammond, who was making the rounds of the base to check defenses, doubled back to the control room. The gate was active and the iris was closed.

"What is it, Sergeant?"

"I don't know, Sir. The gate was activated a few seconds ago, but we're not receiving I.D.C."

"I am your god, Zeus!" boomed a Goa'uld from the gate room.

_You know,_ Hammond thought to himself, _this hologram thing was way overrated. _

"Where did that come from?" The question came from all over the control room.

There was shooting in the gate room, Hammond looked up, and sure enough, there was an insolent hologram standing in his gate room.

"Hold your fire!" he said into the microphone.

The shooting stopped, and Hammond descended to the gate room.

"A hologram? Is that the best you can do?" Hammond asked.

"Actually, my ships are in orbit above your little bitty brainless heads."

"So, are you going to kill us, or sit there and let us kill you?"

"Fool! You cannot destroy me!"

"That's where you're wrong. We have weapons that you could only begin to imagine."

"Very well. If you have weapons more powerful than mine, show them to me."

"I don't think so; it's more fun if you actually put up a fight."

"So be it."

The hologram disappeared, and Hammond turned the SF's behind him. The man who was stationed at the fifty cal came over to speak to him.

"Sir, we don't have weapons more powerful than his."

"I know that, but he doesn't."

"So you were bluffing?"

"Exactly."

"You've been hanging around Colonel O'Neill too much… Sir."

"Is that an insult?" Hammond asked menacingly.

"No, Sir. It was actually meant to be a compliment," the frightened SF added hurriedly.

"Oh, well good job. Keep it up son."

"Yes, Sir," said the SF visibly relieved.

Hammond smiled. He hadn't had this much fun in ages.

--------------------

Daniel turned a corner and stopped.

"Why isn't the door open yet?"

Walter came over from where he was supervising the torching of the door.

"We're working as fast as we can, but it's a very well-built door."

"Alright. Well, good work."

"Thank you, Sir."

There was a banging from the inside of the door.

"Stop the torch!" Daniel ordered.

"Sam, is that you?" Daniel asked.

"Yes, it's me. Colonel O'Neill has been neutralized.""Stop the torch. I can fix the door crystals."

"Stop the torch," Daniel ordered.

There was a sound of crystals being removed and replaced. The door opened, and Sam stepped out holding her hand.

"What's wrong with your hand?" Daniel asked her.

"The colonel has a thick skull," she said grinning.

"Get them to the infirmary," Daniel told Walter.

"Yes, Sir."

"You, too," Daniel said. "I want you checked out before you return to active duty."

"Yes, Sir," she said trying not to laugh.

"Are you mocking me?" Daniel asked.

Sam grinned at him, then turned on her heel and walked off down the corridor.

--------------------

"Who are you?" Daniel asked Jack a few hours later. He was leaning on the table of the interrogation room with the insane Jack imposter.

"You are not fit to know my name."

"Yeah? Well I'll bet that you're not Jack O'Neill."

"Fool. Of course I am not Jack O'Neill."

"Where is he?"

"He is with his God, now."

Daniel seized the front of the Goa'uld's shirt and shook him, "You listen to me you stupid son of a bitch, if he's dead, I swear I will kill you!"

"He is alive. He is not happy, but he is alive."

Daniel was done screwing around with the uncooperative imposter. He stunned him and walked away, leaving him slumped over the table.

--------------------

"So, human prisoner, what secret information about your planet would you like to reveal to me?" Zeus said, grinning.

Zeus was leaning against the pel'tak staring with twinkling eyes at the chained Colonel Jack O'Neill, who had insolently destroyed his royal bedchambers (and we won't mention the very expensive bedclothes).

"Call me Jack," Jack said casually.

"I try not to get too attached to my prisoners. If I call them by name, it makes them much less fun to kill. But as I said before, what secret information about your planet would you like to reveal to me?"

"Let's think about this for a minute," Jack said looking thoughtful "On second thought, I don't think I want to tell you anything right now."

"Actually, I think you will," Zeus said, and took a pain stick from the Jaffa next to him.

"God, I hate those things," Jack said. "But I still won't tell you anything."

"Oh, the pain stick is just for fun. I have a friend who will give me the information I want."

As he spoke a man came forward from the shadows to the left of the pel'tak.

"Woah!" Jack exclaimed. "What the hell are _you_ doing here?"

"Ah, I see you have met. That is good. You see, First is working with me now, a partnership for a common goal. If he helps me rule in this galaxy, I will help him rule in his."

"Ok, so he's gonna put his hand in my head, and you're gonna put your stick in my gut?" Jack asked eyeing the pair.

"Exactly," Zeus said with an evil laugh.

"Isn't that a little...I don't know...Overkill?"

"No, we're not going to kill you, just retrieve what information we need, and then use you as an interesting stress reliever."

"You know there are computer games you can find on the Internet that are better stress relievers than I am."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, actually it is."

"Well I'm sorry, but I don't get Internet access out here, so I need something a little more… alive."

--------------------

"If all you're going to tell me is that Jack is with his God, why don't you tell me where your God is," Daniel said glaring at the Goa'uld.

"He is busy destroying your world."

"You're bluffing."

"You offend me."

"I don't give a damn. Here's an idea, why don't we play a little game called 'Tell Me What I Want to Know'?"

"That doesn't sound like a very fun game."

"Well, I admit, it may be a little more fun for me than it is for you."

"I don't wanna play."

"Too bad. Let's play anyway."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"God damn it! If you don't tell me what I want to know, I'll kill you," Daniel said pointing a zat at the Goa'uld's head.

"No, you won't."

"Yes, I will."

"No, you won't."

"Don't start that again!"

"Whatever you say Doctor Jackson."

Again Daniel stunned him and headed for the bridge. The guards at the door looked in, then gave each other the thumbs up.

--------------------

General Hammond was making the rounds again. He was finishing the defense check he had started earlier but not been able to finish because of the Goa'uld's lousy timing. He was passing through the briefing room on the way to his office when an Asgard beam activated. Ducking into his office he grabbed the side arm he had been keeping in his back pocket and checked how many Jaffa had come down. Two. Good Just to check out our defenses. _Well, don't expect to get far,_ he thought. He rolled out onto the floor in front of the office door, shot one of the Jaffa in the head, rolled back to dodge a zat blast, and shot the other one three times in the chest.

Siler and two SF's came rocketing around the corner with M16s "Sir, are you alright? We heard gun fire!" Siler looked at the smoking gun in Hammond's hand.

"I'm alright, Siler. Thanks for asking."

"Always a pleasure, Sir."

"There's bound to be more of them behind those two." Hammond moved to the intercom at his desk and hit the button. "LOCK AND LOAD SOLDIERS, THE DEFENSE OF CHEYENE MOUNTAIN, HAS BEGUN. GODSPEED." He released the button and looked grimly at Siler, "You three and SG-2 are with me." He reached for the intercom button again, but before he touched it, two more Jaffa beamed down and pointed staff weapons at him.

"Surrender this mountain, or I will kill you," said one of them.

Hammond put his hands in the air, "Ok, I'm going to give you the mountain, but first, there's one thing I would like to say to you."

"And what might that be?"

"Go to hell," Hammond said, dropping his hands.

The Jaffa raised their weapons to fire, but Siler and the SF's were faster, and shot them both.

"Thank you, Siler."

"Anytime, Sir." Siler replied, pointing the 9 mil at the ceiling and blowing across the barrel. Then he spun it around one finger two or three times and stuck it in the sheath on his thigh.

"Siler, are you showing off?" Hammond asked.

"No, Sir," Siler said, trying to look offended at the same time both SF's said, "Yes, Sir." Siler looked behind him at the two men. "Traitors," he said under his breath.

--------------------

The big stone door on the prison cell opened and Zeus walked in flourishing a pain stick.

"Are you mad 'cause I didn't tell you what you wanted to know?" Jack asked looking with hatred at the oversized diner fork.

The Goa'uld glared at him and did the glowing eye thing that Jack hated so much. Then he walked slowly up to Jack. He thrust the pain stick into Jack's chest, and Jack howled in pain.

"Yeah, he's still mad."

The Goa'uld stuck the pain stick in him again.

"Actually, I think I'd go all the way to pissed."

And again.

"Okay, that's overkill."

And yet again.

"Hey, overkill means stop you undersized excuse for a bad guy."

"You haven't told me what I wanted to know."

"Yeah, so what else is new?"

"I did say that if you didn't cooperate, I would use you for stress relief."

"Well, by all means, use me for stress relief."

"Just… don't use the… stick thing, alright?" Jack said as the Goa'uld pulled his arm back to give him some more pain.

"As you wish." Zeus said surprising Jack for the first time.

Zeus pulled a tool from somewhere in side his robes. It looked a good bit like a stun gun. And sure enough, when he hit the button a blue bolt of lightening flashed between two prongs on the end.

"Is that gonna hurt?" Jack asked.

In answer, Zeus held the button on the side and advanced on Jack.

--------------------

"Alright you imposter how are we today?" Daniel asked as he came into the interrogation room.

"I was doing fine until you went and shot me. Now I have a headache, a broken nose from when I hit the table, and bruised pride."

"Always a pleasure."

"But even with all my injuries I am never going to tell you anything."

"Is that so?"

"Yes it is."

Daniel hit the intercom on the wall without taking his eyes of the Goa'uld. "Sam, can I torture the Goa'uld? Just a little? You know, with needles and forks and other small things."

"Daniel, you know what General Hammond thinks of that," came the reply.

"Of course I do, but General Hammond isn't here right now. We are."

There was a pause.

"Can I trust you not to overdo it?"

"Always."

"Not too much Daniel. Not much at all."

"I promise. Thanks Sam."

"I'll be right back with a couple of toys."

"Take your time," said the Goa'uld apprehensively.

"Don't worry, I won't."

--------------------

"Ahhh," gasped the Jack-imposter-Goa'uld clutching his arm, "I mean, ouch."

Daniel smiled removing the needle, he looked at it, turning it in the light. "I always did like acupuncture. I looks like so much fun."

"And this, _acupuncture_, it actually does something positive for human health on earth?"

"Oh, yes, don't ask for the details, I wouldn't tell you even if I knew. Wanna try something else?" he asked reaching for his pile of "toys".

"No, no, that's quite alright."

"So, you're going to tell me what I want to know?"

"No,"

"Then I want to play," he said, reaching for his toys again.

"Wait, I'll tell you what you want to know."

"Now we're talking. Where's Jack?"

"On a Goa'uld mother ship with his god, Zeus."

"How?"

"The ancient device O'Niell put his head in was a Goa'uld trap. He has no ancient knowledge. The device switched me with O'Neill, a little trick we learned when Anubis came back to power."

"And why does Zeus want him?"

"He wants to know all the back doors and secret exits of your base."

"And what happens to Jack when Zeus is thru with him?"

"He will send him back to his world, for sport."

"Sport?"

"Yes, my master wants to have fun killing people."

"You sure that's what he's going to do?" Daniel asked still not entirely trusting.

"Either that, or he will beam him out into the vacuum of space."

"That's what I needed to know." Daniel said. He picked up a fork from his pile, jammed it into the Goa'uld's hand, zatted him, and left.

The sentries looked into the room after Daniel had left, saw the blood on the table, and covered each other's eyes.

--------------------

"Alright, alright, I'll tell you what you wanna know!" Jack managed to gasp out.

"Now, I believe we are talking," replied Zeus with a smug grin on his face.

"Yeah, that's it, we're talkin'. Can I get some paper and a pen?"

"Paper, and apen?"

"No, paper and _a _pen."

"You mean something to create words on, and something to create words with?"

"Yes."

"Jaffa, bring us wood skin, and juice tube," as the young Jaffa scurried off eager to do his masters bidding, Zeus turned to Jack. "We have only just developed these convenient writing supplies."

"I'm very proud of you."

The Jaffa came back carrying a long, thin tube that Jack presumed to be a pen, and what looked like a flattened piece of bleached dog crap.

"Very good," Zeus exclaimed taking the supplies and sending the guard back to his post. He didn't give the supplies to Jack. "I've never tried these, they're so new. I'll let you have them in a minute."

"Aw come on, don't I get to play with them first?"

"Like I said, these are brand new. I've never tried them before."

"Gimme, or you won't get the keys to Cheyenne Mountain."

"Ohh, fine," Zeus glared at him as he handed him the writing supplies.

Jack drew a picture of the first level of Cheyenne Mountain. And drew in doors in only a few places, certain places, places that Hammond and Jack had worked out before they left... places that would be heavily guarded.

"There you go, the keys to Cheyenne Mountain."

"Hurray. I'll kill you later; right now I wanna look at these."

"Take your time."

"Ok."

--------------------

"Sam... Sam? Sam are you there?" Daniel asked letting go of the comm. button on the wall.

"Yeah, Daniel, I'm here," Sam answered, sitting up in bed and blinking several times.

"I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No, Daniel I was just heading to the bridge."

"Good, we're nearing the Asgard home world."

"Ok, Daniel. I'll be right there and we can go chat with the short people."

"You've been spending too much time around Jack."

"What's that supposed to mea..." she started to say indignantly. Daniel switched off the comms. "I'll just go wake up Teal'c," he said to himself. He went to the door and hit the button to open it. Nothing happened. The radio in his vest hanging on the wall buzzed. He rolled his eyes and walked over to the vest and yanked out the radio roughly. "Sam, let me out of here."

"Not, until you take it back."

"Sam, you know how much I want to talk to Thor.

"Exactly,"

"Sam!"

"Take it back," she said, and Daniel could hear her smiling.

"Alright, I take it back."

"And?"

"And... you can sit in Jack's chair."

"Promise?"

"Promise." The door opened and Daniel stomped out of the room towards Teal'c's quarters.

--------------------

Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c walked through the high arched halls of the Asgard city. Coming around the corner Daniel walked smack dab into a door, Teal'c's reflexes being 'infinitely superior' and Sam having been here before, both stopped just before they hit it. Daniel rubbed his nose and scowled at the two who where trying gallantly to keep from smiling.

"How do you open these things again?" he asked.

In answer, Sam moved to the side of the door and waved her hand in front of a crystal. The door opened revealing an Asgard on the other side holding some sort of weapon.

"All right, hold it right there or I'll pump you full o' lead," said the Asgard in a voice uncharacteristically husky for his race.

"Geez," Daniel exclaimed jumping several inches off the ground and whirling around. Upon seeing the little creature with a gun pointed at his appendix, he slowly raised his hands into the air. "Uh, we surrender, just don't shoot." At this, the Asgard started making a wheezing sound, and suddenly, he disappeared entirely.

"Well, that was weird," Sam said, looking confused.

"Indeed," added Teal'c.

They walked through the door, and before they got three steps, "All right, hold it right there or I'll pump you full o' lead."

"Oh, not again," said Daniel, obviously exasperated. They turned around, and standing before them, with his index finger out, and his thumb pointing straight up in the air, was the insufferable Colonel Jack O'Neill.

"Geez," Daniel exclaimed again. "Damnit Jack! What the hell are you doing here!"

"Oh, old Zeusy thought it'd be a hoot to drop me off at the Asgard home world. Thought I'd screw up the negotiations."

"But, the goa'uld, he… you… they… never mind."

"Carter?" Jack asked looking quizzically at Sam.

"Don't look at me, Sir."

"Teal'c?"

"It is good to see you again, O'Neill." Teal'c said avoiding the question entirely.

"You, too T. So, Zeus is gonna have fun invading earth. I gave him the map to the levels and halls where he'd get his ass kicked hardest. Hammond and I worked it all out. He only knows about the places where the defenses are thickest just in case. Good, huh?"

"Very crafty of you, Sir," Sam answered."

"You, really think so?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Well, thank you. Shall we go negotiate for some ships?"

"Yes, Sir," said Sam.

"Let's," said Daniel.

"Indeed," said Teal'c.

"At least try to hold back your enthusiasm next time, T," Jack said snarky as usual.

"I will try."

"It was a joke."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"Never mind."

--------------------

"We would be happy to loan you a few of our ships. The replicators have pulled back for a few days to eat our most recently destroyed outpost. We will send you to earth with a fleet of our ships. If you would leave Prometheus here, we will install an Asgard hyper drive." Thor said, staring at Sam with his big black eyes.

"Sure," Jack piped up. "Anything for a bit more speed."

"Very well." Thor turned to one of the others on the council and spoke quietly with him.

The other little grey alien turned to the group and said, "Follow me. I will take you to the ship you are to take."

"Sweet," Jack exclaimed, looking proud of himself. He had foiled Zeus's plan to destroy negotiations. One down a day keeps the Goa'ulds away.

As they walked down the hall, Daniel whispered in Teal'c's ear, "Wanna play a game of chess with me when we get to the ship?"

Teal'c started to say no. He had some important kelnoriming to do. But Jack bounced up behind them.

"Hey guys, wanna play hide and seek on the Asgard ship?"

Teal'c turned to Daniel "Indeed I would, Daniel Jackson."

"Indeed you would what?" Jack asked looking from one to the other.

"Daniel Jackson asked me to play a game of chess with him."

"Cool. Wanna play three way chess? I just invented it."

Teal'c and Daniel looked at each other, then at Jack.

"No," they said simultaneously.

"Why not?" Jack asked somewhat indignantly.

"Because we were in the middle of a…" his voice trailed off.

"A tournament, O'Neill. We are currently in the middle of a tournament," Teal'c said covering Daniel.

"Can I watch?"

"I guess that won't be so bad," Daniel whispered to Teal'c.

"Indeed," Teal'c said to Jack, ignoring Daniel's comment.

The three of them were sitting in Daniel's new room staring at the chess board half an hour later.

"Well, this is boring," Jack said.

"Jack, what happened to you in the Ancient head-grabber-brain-sucker? As you so scientifically put it," Daniel asked.

"Well, the general idea was to get the ancient knowledge stuff in my head so we could get to the Asgard home world a little bit faster. When I stuck my head in it, I saw the flashy colors as usual, but then…"

"Then what?" Daniel asked.

"Do you really wanna know?"

"Of course."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Jack just spit it out!"

"… **_BOOM!_**" Jack shouted at the top of his lungs.

The shout startled Daniel so much that his knee hit the little table the chess board was on and knocked all the pieces off onto floor. He wasn't far behind.

"Jack!"

Jack jumped up and ran to the door. He opened it with a wave of his hand in front of a crystal. He wouldn't have made it out if Daniel wasn't still trying to get up off the floor.

Teal'c looked at the board, wondering what he was supposed to do now. "Check mate," he said.

Jack ran down the halls cackling like a mad-man, with Daniel hot on his heels. He ran to the control room where Sam was playing with the Asgard gadgets.

"Carter! Close the door!" he shouted.

She let him come in and saw Daniel right behind him. She didn't shut the doors. Daniel took a flying leap at Jack and tackled him. They went down laughing and rolling on the floor.

Sam rolled her eyes. "Can you please take this somewhere else?" she asked.

When they didn't leave she moved some crystals around on the control panel. The doors started to close, and without a backward glance she ran through them. They closed and locked behind her, locking Jack and Daniel in the control room. _Well, at least now I can get some sleep,_ She thought.

"Hello, testing, testing, one, two, is this thing on?" Jacks voice came over the loud speaker. "Hey, this is cool."

_Or not._

_ --------------------_

There's definitely something up when Hammond wears camouflage and a bullet proof vest and carries an M-16 fully automatic rifle, along with all the different sorts of side arms he can thing of. This go round he had a 9-Milimeter hand-gun, various assorted knives, and several pockets of C-4 in his vest. He walked into the briefing room the very symbol of authority.

"Colonel Johnson, how are the defenses?" Hammond asked, looking at a slightly balding man with several fingers missing

"Solid as a rock, Sir," was the reply.

"Major Adams, are all bullet proof vests issued along with side arms, fully automatic rifles, and good luck?"

"Yes, Sir,"

"Now, go back to your posts wherever they may be. And men... Godspeed."

The officers started to get up, but then Major Adams spoke.

"With all due respect General, why are you wearing camouflage? It won't give much protection inside the base."

"I know that Major, but I'm general of this base and I get my pick of whatever color I want."

"Sorry, Sir."

Siler walked into the room, and Hammond leaned over to whisper something in his ear. "Actually, it was the only color that had my size. I would have preferred blue."

Siler tried very hard not to smile, which wasn't hard for him seeing as he never smiled in the first place. "Colonel Johnson, there seems to be a problem in your sector, you should check it out."

"Thanks, Siler."

Siler turned to Hammond. "Sir, you can be in whichever sector you want."

"Siler, I think I like the sound of gorilla warfare, especially since I look like one."

"Yes, Sir."

"Does that mean you think I look like a gorilla?"

"No, Sir."

"Good."

"Now let's go shoot some snake-heads."

"I'm right behind you Sir."

"And, try to keep up."

Hammond started off at a jog and didn't stop till he got to where he expected the Jaffa to start their attack.

"Siler?" He looked around.

"I guess he couldn't keep up, but I'm not even breathing hard," he said to himself.

Siler got there five minutes later. He was completely out of breath.

"Siler, you need to work out more," Hammond said grinning.

"Actually Sir, I spend most of my time as a test subject for Doctor Lee."

"Oh, well I guess that's work out enough."

"Yes, Sir."

There was a banging on the elevator door at the end of the hallway.

"They're knocking on the door, Sir; we'd better get ready to let them in."

But Hammond just walked a little way down the hall. He planted a block of C-4 on the ground and placed a charge on it.

"They're not coming in this way," he said starting off in the opposite direction.

Siler followed him. "What's your plan Sir?" he asked.

In answer Hammond hit a button on a remote, and the hallway behind them exploded.

"That's good enough for me," said Siler.

--------------------

"Are we there yet?" Jack asked Sam from the floor fifteen minutes after she managed to take back the control room from the guys Jack was lying on the floor staring pointedly at the ceiling. He was already in full gear ready to take Cheyenne Mountain.

"We're about half way there, Sir."

"So, uh, what's the plan? You know, for when we get there."

"Sir, last time I checked, you make up the plans."

"I do? I mean, I do."

"Yes, Sir, you do. So, uh, what's the plan? You know, for when we get there."

"We blow the _crap_ out of all the snake-heads."

"Yes, Sir. Never forget your basics do you?"

"Are you mocking me?"

"No, Sir, of course not."

"Well, I'm not so sure."

"I swear, Sir, I'm not mocking you."

"Carter, Carter, it's not nice to swear. And you _are _mocking me, by the way," Jack pulled his baseball cap down over his eyes in a gesture that the discussion was over.

--------------------

With a grin, Sam turned the crystals and dropped out of hyper-space. Jack slid a full ten feet across the control room floor where he had fallen asleep ten minutes ago. When he didn't wake up, Sam's face fell. _Well, at least I can still have a little fun, _she thought. She picked up her P-90 and loaded a clip right next to Jack's ear.

"Sir, we're going to go blow the crap out of the snake-heads without you now."

"Like hell!" Jack said waking with a start and reaching for his gun. Finding it not beside him where he left it, he looked around. Upon seeing it on the other side of the room, he looked at Carter.

"Did you move my gun?"

"No, Sir."

"Then how did it get over there?"

"A more prudent question to ask, Sir, would be how you got over here."

"Ok, and how did I get over here?"

"I decelerated a little faster than usual and you slid ten feet across the room."

"Cool, now let's go shoot some snake-heads."

--------------------

"And the rest, my captive audience, is too gruesome to tell," Jack said to the group of nine-year-olds. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He looked up,

"Jack, can I see you over here a minute?"

After the Stargate program had been revealed to the public, Jack and Sam had both retired, and it hadn't taken them much longer to get married.

"Jack, just because the Stargate program isn't a secret anymore, doesn't mean that some of the missions we went on aren't."

"Like the one where you-."

"Yes, especially that one."

"Sam, it may be too late for that."

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

"Oh, nothing in particular."

"Jack… you didn't."

"Didn't what?" He asked looking innocent.

But they both knew what, and the nine-year-olds spent the rest of the afternoon cheering them-selves hoarse as Sam chased Jack around their little cabin in Minnesota.


End file.
